Sue Scheff: Successful Coparenting in a Blended Family

Recently I meet (via Twitter) a great resource for helping blended families with excellent tips, resources and articles. Today, more and more families are facing this type of family unity.

Successful Coparenting in a Blended Family

You’ve said good-bye to your ex, and have embarked on an exciting life with your new spouse. But- your ex is still in your life. You continue to maintain contact with him or her because it is in the best interest of the children. Successful co-parenting requires some extra effort, but is very important for your kids.

Keep it Focused on the Kids

Communication should be limited to conversations about the kids. It’s no longer necessary to share day-to-day events with your ex, vent about your day, or talk about anything not related to your kids. Your relationship with you ex is now based solely on the kids.

Keep it Sane

Don’t take your ex-spouse’s emotions personally. Sometimes your ex will express inappropriate or exaggerated feelings. An example may be that you can’t show up for your son’s softball game, and this results in a 10-minute yelling, screaming message left on your answering machine. Just step away from the emotions, and realize that she is expressing her feelings that you are not attending the event, and believes your son will be disappointed. These feelings are O.K.- but not the yelling and screaming. Don’t respond to these exaggerated emotions- just let it go.

Keep it Organized

Prepare a visitation calendar in advance. Follow the guidelines set by your separation agreement and schedule special events as far in advance as possible. Kids like to know where they are going to be. It’s helpful to give each child a pocket calendar so they can keep up with their visits to mom and dad.

Keep it Fair

Remember that you are doing what’s best for the kids by arranging for them to spend time with both mom and dad. Don’t cheat your ex out of visitation time, nor should you opt-out of your assigned time.

Remember to alternate the holidays each year. Reassure your kids that Christmas on the 26th, or their birthday on the following Saturday, is still a special event. Make it fun to switch the days, and still enjoy the holidays together.

Keep it Flexible

Things happen, special events arrive at the last minute. Be flexible if your ex wants to change the visitation schedule. If you notice that this happens frequently, remind him that you need at least a month’s notice to properly rearrange your schedule. With a month’s notice, you will be happy to make the changes. When emergencies or special events pop up, both mom and dad will need to “flex” their schedules to accommodate.

Conclusion: Keep it Focused on the Kids

Do what’s best for your kids. Talk with them, ask them about their upcoming events and encourage them to keep you informed so that you can stay an active part of their lives.

Shirley Cress Dudley is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, and a master’s degree in Education. She has a passion for helping blended families grow strong and be successful. Visit our website for more help with your blended family issues.

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