Sue Scheff: Questions Never to Ask Your Teen or Tween

Guest Blogs are fantastic - and Michele Borba is not only a very good friend of mine, she is one of our country's leading Parenting Expert.  When I read her recent Blog, I begged to be able to share it! (Actually, I didn't have to beg, Michele doesn't mind sharing her knowledge!)  Enjoy your "reality check" Blog for this holiday weekend..... 

By Michele Borba

Talking with an adolescent can be like walking through a minefield. At any moment you could be asking what you thought was a simple, sincere question only to find it triggering an explosive response. You know that communication keeps you connected to your child, but it often seems to backfire because of the type of questions asked.

Research proves our instincts: The number one antidote to risky-kid behavior is a strong relationship with a parent. Believe it or not our kids even like us and want us in their lives! (Really!!!!) A recent Girl Scout of America survey found that tween girls want their moms even more involved in their lives.
The trick is how to stay involved the right way so we don’t turn them off, they do want to come to us and we can be a sounding board to help them wade through tough issues. Watch out! The biggest turn off (according to tweens and teens) is often how we pose our questions.

7 Deadly Questions to Never Ask an Adolescent (Unless you want a  guaranteed turn off)…

Here are deadly seven things you should avoid asking an adolescent because they are guaranteed to be big “turn offs.” And how to pose those trickier questions another way so you’re more likely to get a better response from your kid (or at least keep her standing in the same room with you).

DEADLY QUESTION 1: “So, how was your day?”

Trite, generic, remarks like “Did you have fun last night?” and “How was school?” don’t go over with tweens. They say they see them as “insincere” and “so-o-o predictable.” “Watch—My Mom is going to ask, “How was your day?” She always does.” Tweens put those comments at the top of their annoying list. Besides you’ll get nothing more than a “FINE” response from your kid.

Better: “What are your friends saying about Madonna’s 13 year old daughter starting a fashion line?”

Ask open-ended questions requiring more than a yes/no response makes it appear that you really do want to listen. If you ask questions about their world and interests, you’re getting bonus points. (“Can you tell me how to download must to my Ipod?”) P.S. Be sure to stop multi-tasking (tweens hate it!) so it appears you really are interested.

DEADLY QUESTION 2: “Why didn’t you tell the kid to leave you alone????” 

Bullying peaks during the tween years and is escalating and far more vicious. Reports say one in three tweens are involved in bullying either as a victim or bully which includes: social exclusion, racial, verbal, sexual or emotional abuse, relational aggression, or electronic (cell phones, websites, pagers or email. Research shows tweens often don’t tell their parents that they are being victimized for fear of retaliation and humiliation (they often feel they’ve done something to cause it and rarely do) or that you’ll say, “Tell the kid to leave you alone!” (Which they say is the worst advice you can give. A tween often cannot fend for herself and needs help in figuring out safety options and strategies to defend herself. In fact, bullying is a repeated pattern of willful cruelty. Bullies do not go away and generally continue to target victims, which can cause severe emotional ramifications.

Better: “Where did this happen?” 

Get specifics so you can help your tween create a safety plan. The question often signals to your tween or teen that you believe her and you’re ready to offer advice. Also, bullying usually happens at the same time and place so. Ask: “Who was involved?” “Where do you feel least safe?” You can then provide specific advice to help your son or daughter create a safety plan.

DEADLY QUESTION 3: “What was she wearing?” 

Materialism is huge with the tween set and is mounting. Marketers are tailoring the tween-aged kid. This is also a time when tweens are forming identities and are most impressionable. Tween-aged kids are most likely to believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their peer status and it also impacts their professional goals (75 percent of 8 to 12 year olds desire to be rich). More US kids than anywhere in the world believe that their clothes and brands describe who they are and define their social status. Preteens with lower self-esteem value possessions significantly more than children with higher self-esteem.

Better: “What do you enjoy about her?”

Halt the comments about clothing and appearance. They can backfire and make your kid feel that’s what you care more about. It also tweaks your conversation on surface stuff only. Instead emphasize those traits that grow from the inside out like talent, loyalty, character, friendship, or fun! Let your adolescent know that you value her and her friends as people and not for their appearances or popularity. Besides, 95 percent of adults say that kids are too focused on buying and consuming so halt the comparisons.

DEADLY QUESTION 4: “Why are you sooooo sensitive?”
Puberty is a period of intense hormonal changes. In fact, more changes are going on in your tween’s body than at any other time in their life and is now occurring at younger ages! New brain research shows that the area of the brain that regulates emotions is still developing. So expect those mood swings and extremes. But also expect your tween to be “very touchy” and sensitive. Hint: Don’t tease–they will take it personally. And never tease or discipline your kid in front of another peer. You’re guaranteed to get big time resistance and a turn-off.

Better: “You seem upset. Had a tough day? Need a hug?” 

Tune in to your child’s emotions. Respect where your child is coming from. Refrain from sarcasm and taunts. Watch your non-verbal cues, such as smirks or raised eyebrows. Teens are overly sensitive to these expressions and may read more into them than you think.

DEADLY QUESTION 5: “Why did you do that?” (Even worse: “What were you thinking?”)
Expect your tween to be a bit impulsive and act a little crazy. Neuro-imaging confirms that their prefrontal cortex is still developing – the exact place where decision-making and impulse regulations are forming.  Tweens may not always know the reasons behind their actions. And it’s one reason they may have that blank look when you ask, “What did you do that?”

Better: “What did you hope would happen? What will do do next time?”
It’s best to not use “Why” with a tween  (“Why did you do that?”) Chances are they won’t know. Instead use “What” to get them thinking. Doing so will not stop their “I don’t know response,” but get them to think before they act. And might even help them learn what to do the next time. (Such a concept, eh?)

DEADLY QUESTION 6: “Why didn’t you just say no????”

The need to “fit in” is huge and peer pressure is huge. In fact, it will never be as strong. It’s tough to stand up to your peers, but even more so during these years. Tweens also say the worst advice their parents’ give is to “Just say no!” (Boys and Girls Club of America 2006 study of over 46,000 13 to 18 year olds). Tweens say what the want from their parents are actual strategies to counter the pressure.

Better: “It’s tough to say no to a friend. Have you tried…?” 

Tweens especially say what they need are specific peer pressure techniques. So offer strategies by brainstorming together during a relaxed time: “Let’s think of things you could say the next time your friend pushes you to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing. You could make an excuse like: ‘I have to get home and do my homework or my parents will ground me” or give a reason like ‘My grandpa was a smoker and died of cancer. I promised him I wouldn’t.’ What else could you say?”

DEADLY QUESTION 7: “Why don’t you just get over it and move on?”

Peer relationships are critical and play a big part of an adolescents self-esteem. Tweens are discovering the “opposite sex” and have their first “crushes.” When there’s a friendship tiff or breakup with a “first love” ah the anguish! Though the anguish may seem juvenile, don’t dismiss your kid’s hurt and tell her to “Get over it.” Their hurt is intense and real. (Remember way back. Did you get over it easily?) It may take a while for them to bounce back–especially during these years when one of their top concerns is “peer humiliation.” Not only are tweens concerned about their own pain but what “all the other kids are saying.” And don’t dismiss boys! (Says the mom of three). Research shows they often have a tougher time bouncing back than girls.

Better: “I’m so sorry. Want to get an ice cream?”

Show a little empathy! Breakups at this age are crushing. Be available, understanding, supportive, and fill your kid’s social calendar with something to do (especially on those weekends) if they’re left alone. Don’t ask, “What happened?” Or “What went wrong?” And don’t push for details. They’ll give those when they feel comfortable. Right now just be there!

Those are my top seven. What question did I miss? Pass them on so we keep our relationship open and strong with our kids.

Here are two recent blogs that may help you with your tweens and teens:

Yes, your teen is a little crazy. Sanity savers to parent a teen
Teen girls–more than boys–get high to cope. Our best parenting solutions to turn a troubling trend around.

For more communication tips and relationship builders see my book,  The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. Follow me on twitter @MicheleBorba or on my daily blog, Dr. Michele Borba’s Reality Check.

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